Yearning for home

I've been longing to write lately, but my head has felt almost too full to actually get anything out. This morning I was looking for a quote for the sacrament program and I remembered a talk from Elder Holland that I really liked... well, I didn't end up using that one. Instead, I came across Elder Uchtdorf's talk from the same conference (also really good) and I found myself looking at that:

"God calls to you. God knows your every thought, your sorrows, and your greatest hopes. God knows the many times you have sought Him. The many times you have felt limitless joy. The many times you have wept in loneliness. The many times you have felt helpless, confused, or angry. Yet, no matter your history—if you have faltered, failed, feel broken, bitter, betrayed, or beaten—know that you are not alone. God still calls to you."

Life has been tough lately. I'm not sure why... there isn't ONE big thing that happened or even a bunch of hard little things. I've just been anxious. And my soul hurts. And yet, I still feel blessed beyond comprehension.

A couple of months ago it was really starting to feel like the pressure was too much. As I was praying one night I told my Heavenly Father that I really wanted to go to Skye. Long story short, through a series of miracles, I get to go to Skye in September. And the Jane Austen Festival. Two things that have been on my bucket list since my first visit to the UK four years ago. I'm not exactly sure why, but travel is definitely a pressure release for me -- I struggle with anxiety way less when I travel (which sometimes doesn't make sense to me -- shouldn't being in a foreign country be stressful in it's own way?) -- and I feel more like myself. And more like how God sees me. I feel very blessed for the desire that He has given me to see the wonderful world that He has created and that He miraculously provides the means when I need the escape the most.

When things in my head get particularly bad, I often long for "home," to be done with this struggle and to be reunited with my family. I recently went to the temple and did a few names from my dad's family. And I cried a lot. Doing family history for his family has given me a bit of purpose lately. It's interesting to me because I have no biological connection to these people, but I still feel a sense of connection and of joy when I am able to find them and help them do their temple work.

I feel a particular connection to the UK. I feel like I could go back there over and over and never tire of it, particularly Scotland. As I've done more and more of Dad's family names (who are largely from England and Scotland), I've wondered if part of the reason I have traveled is to foster a greater connection with these people. I've been told in blessings before that as I do family history that my ancestors will help bless my life and give me support and I've also been told that traveling is a necessary part of my life experience and something to bring me joy.

On a somewhat related note, I feel closer to "home" when I travel... my family doesn't feel so far away and I feel the Spirit closer at hand. Traveling "forces" me to rely on the Spirit in a different way than at home. It's a feeling that's harder to hold on to once I return to normal life, although I always try my hardest. I think it's at least partly a desire to connect with something familiar in an unfamiliar place. I remember the first time I was in Scotland on study abroad we were at the National Library of Scotland and the director was talking with my class about the different things that they do there and he mentioned that they had just recently completed a collaborative project with the LDS Church to build a new genealogy resource and storage center in Edinburgh. I remember wanting to cry in that moment, 1) because I was longing for something familiar and 2) because I felt a dramatic sense of "connection" in that moment.

Last night as I was locking up for the night and getting ready for bed I realized that I haven't felt any  desire lately to do anything to my house - furniture or otherwise. It feels complete. I do still want to buy a nightstand (purely for functional reasons), but I don't have the desire to fill my home with things or go on some great decorating binge. (This does NOT mean that I don't want to hang up the stack of artwork in my living room, just that I don't need to buy any more. ;)) It was a good feeling to realize that I feel settled and proud of my home.

This has all been a little disjointed and random, but at the end of it all I feel more settled in myself, so mission accomplished, right?

'I can barely breathe."

{"she became herself with tears" by caitlin connolly}

I listen to KLOVE every day in my car and quite a few of the songs have made it to my personal playlist over the last year or so.

Lately, three songs in particular have spoken to my heart. Even the titles are indicative of where my head space has been the last several months...

"God Help Me" by Plumb.

"Even If" by MercyMe.

"Fear Is a Liar" by Zach Williams.

Each in their own way is about submitting and trusting God. A few months ago I realized that I'm not particularly good at submitting. Submitting and dealing with anxiety can kind of seem to be a cross purposes... how do you submit when fear is ruling? It can be so hard. The interesting thing about this is that my prayers increase exponentially during periods of high anxiety. That's good. And the merciful and miraculous thing is how much my Father in Heaven blesses me in these anxious periods. The one thing that anxiety has helped me to cultivate is a grateful heart. Sometimes I think that's my saving grace -- the awareness and appreciation I have for His intervention when I'm desperately suffering inside my own head.

The last few days He has given me little ways to serve others and it has been such a blessing to ME.  

It's a constant battle. Last night and this morning I really stumbled. And I felt horrible. But you know what? In the midst of self-recrimination this morning I got a text from my aunt about a painting she thought I'd love. She was right. And I bought it. Which is so not like me. I agonize over every purchase that I don't deem "necessary."

There is so much I want for me life. Some of it temporal, some of it eternal. For whatever reason, the timing isn't right yet. BUT, I have so much hope. And that hope saves me. Even when I stumble. It's going to be OK. I'm not sure how or when. but those things I most hope for will be there when I need them most.

"things"

I haven't written here for awhile. My journal entries have taken the form of notes on my phone. But that's not exactly conducive to pouring my heart out. And yet, there are limits here too because I feel I cannot be completely free. Oh well, it's a balance anyways, right?

I'm a new-ish homeowner and I love my space. It's not big, it's not grand, but it's big enough and grand enough for me. It has a garage and it's close to work and I don't have to worry about rent rising or a landlord. Every day I wake up in awe that it's mine. I hope I never lose that feeling -- even when I have to leave this house behind someday. For whatever reason, I haven't felt like I'd be here that long... what exactly that means, I have no idea. It's hard for me to judge that when the longest I've ever lived in one house is three years. And even now i find myself wondering when I can go on the next adventure. But I think that's just a product of my growing up and me needing to learn how to "settle."

-----

A few weeks ago someone asked me what my perfect day would be. That's hard for me consider... I'm easily content and the main thing for me would to have an anxiety-free day. However, there are things I'd like to do and I told this person one of them... and then this past week, I unexpectedly got to do it. Paige invited me on one of her photoshoots and it was amazing. It was amazing to see someone do the "thing" they're meant to do. As much as I hate having my own photo taken, I've always been fascinated by photography... the ability to capture a fleeting moment and evoke a feeling feels my soul with hope. And we all know how much I love the concept of hope. ;) I came back from that shoot feeling inspired and renewed, and yes, full of hope.

I want to find my "thing." I feel like there are many things I'm good at, but nothing I'm particularly passionate about -- not even being a librarian, as much as I do enjoy it (most days...). I feel like I haven't quite found it yet... the thing that makes me happier than I've ever been. I don't mean this in a complaining or discontent sense, far from it actually. I have a very good life. And I'm extraordinarily blessed, but I feel like I haven't hit on my mission yet. And I want to, more than anything.

-----

The stars have always fascinated me. They make me feel more connected to God. And now, to my parents. Somehow when I see the stars, I feel like my parents are closer -- that they aren't "gone" or "lost" and that they haven't abandoned me. Someone (the same "someone" from above, actually) described the stars as a visual definition of eternity. In that moment, I didn't feel crazy for loving the stars. It felt like a confirmation of all the reasons I love them. And now, I really want to go stargazing.

-----

My little cousin was baptized yesterday. I was surprised at how strongly I felt the spirit. I cried a lot. Almost embarrassingly so because this cousin and I aren't particularly close and I debated extensively about even making the effort to go because I felt like it didn't even matter that I was there. And it probably didn't matter to him. But I realized that it did matter -- to me. And I realized that I feel the spirit a lot more than I realize because I had the same feeling at Paige's photoshoot and when I've travelled and when I go to the temple -- it all makes me feel the same.

-----

I still miss my little family horribly. I think I thought that there would be a day when I didn't miss them anymore and that would mean I'd moved on. But that's not true. I still miss them and long for them to be here... mostly because I've realized what great cheerleaders my parents were. They made me feel like I could do anything and like there was nothing wrong with me. And I love them for that. I've reached the point now where I don't pine for them and I don't feel bad for myself that they aren't here. The normal now is for them to NOT be here. And that's good. But I still miss them. But if I had to choose between having them here and having them together, I'd choose them together any day. And someday I'll get to see them again.

-----

I had to explain to someone (not the same "someone") about the way I walk and why I walk the way I do. It was cool to feel how Heavenly Father gave me the words, even if the person didn't take it well. I don't understand people sometimes. But in the eternal scheme of things, the way I walk is a minor (truly minor, even in the worldly perspective too) inconvenience. And the people that matter in my life don't and won't care. In fact, several people have told me lately that they don't even notice it. And the truth is, neither do I. It just is. It doesn't look TOO weird. It doesn't hurt. And it's kind of hard to miss something I've never had -- a normal gait. For whatever reason, the way I walk is the way I walk. The bleed was a necessary part of my journey and a necessary tool for my progression. And most of the time I feel like Heavenly Father is proud of the way I handle it. I hope the same can be said someday for my other trials. :)

Will there ever be a guy that sees me and understands me? My patriarchal blessing seems to think so. :) I've always wanted to get married. Not to be taken care of, but so that we could take care of each other. Lift each other up. Support one another. Be strong (temporally and spiritually) when the other is weak. Build a life together. And see the best in each other. I hope someday soon that happens. What a blessing and privilege to have a partner, no matter what the future brings. And then, we can dance in heaven. ;) And maybe here too.