to belong

I haven't written in awhile -- here or in my journal -- but I think I need to for my own sanity. Sometimes I don't know how to reconcile all the blessings I have in my life with all the pain I feel. I miss my mama it's true, but I'm so happy for her to be where she is. What I can't stand is that I don't belong anywhere. I feel like an interloper. And I hate it. I have a wonderful family, but I don't belong to any of them. They have their own traditions, lives, legacies.

It's hard when I'm the only one who remembers certain things or who is affected so much by a certain day or a certain reminder. I really want to belong somewhere -- to a family, a person, something. It's awful to not feel anchored. There's this person inside me that nobody knows that I want to let out, but I don't know how. I truly wish I did. Maybe then the pain wouldn't cut so deep.

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