{painful} Moments

It really is funny how life works out. You hear that all the time and it's so true. If someone had told me a year ago that this is where my life would be I think I would have ran screaming in the other direction. Everyone has moments where they wonder, "What was God thinking when He thought I could handle this?" That moment has pretty much been my life for the last ten months. That's not to say there haven't been numerous blessings and a lot of good moments; there have been many.

Life really can change in less than two weeks. My birthday was a perfect day. Move ahead thirteen days and we come to the first most horrible moment I have experienced thus far. The moment I realized that "the poor soul being life-flighted" was actually my mother.

Five days earlier - July 21, 2011 my dear mama started feeling "weird" and for five days I tried to convince her to go to the doctor. Just to be clear - my mother is a stubborn woman. She wouldn't go. I know she was scared and I know I was scared, but she wouldn't go. Finally, on July 26th I woke up, took one look at her and called my aunt. Then I called 911.

It was supposed to be pneumonia.

By the time my aunt and I got the hospital (no riding in the ambulance allowed) there was a helicopter in front and the ladies at the desk in the ER weren't sure how to "handle" us. At that moment, I finally realized what the helicopter meant and then? The doctor wouldn't promise me that she'd be fine.

The second most horrible moment of my life? August 7th - The one where pneumonia becomes stage IV ovarian cancer.

The third? 3:32AM, December 9, 2011 - The moment I realize she's gone.

Now here I am, five months later. And 1,300 miles from home. And still I wonder, "What was He thinking?" And every day I'm trying to move one step closer to what my life is supposed to be... I still have no idea what that is. BUT, I have hope.