{happy} Moments

The moment when you see this...

...and realize that your dreams are starting to come true.

For a long time (especially the last 6 years...) I've struggled with my value as a human being. As time went by I became a little less sure of my ability to succeed. And then a little less. And then a little less. I started thinking people obviously didn't know the truth when they complimented me or commented on my intellect. It got to the point where I didn't even recognize the me who had {rather successfully} graduated from college and I felt... afraid.

But I still dreamed... big.

Now, I'm still afraid. But I took a risk and it paid off. And the one thing I knew about myself is still true. Obviously, I was the one who was wrong. I've never been so happy to be so wrong in my life!

So, it's a happy and very hopeful moment for me right now...
{with a TON to figure out...}

It's only temporary

{Disclaimer: this blog is certainly not intended to be a blog all about mama's passing. There have just been some thoughts begging to get out, once and for all. Oh, and sleep isn't easy these days...}

I used to think there was a "better" way to lose someone, i.e., knowing that your loved one is dying vs. having them die suddenly.

Let me just say, that's a bunch of CRAP.

I honestly don't think there's a way to compare the two. No matter which way it happens, it changes your life forever. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching. And for everyone left behind, so completely unfair. When you have a chance to "prepare yourself" I think you lose a bit of your sanity. I certainly felt that way. It was a constant war between not wanting my dear mama to suffer and a near-physical pain at the thought of her being gone. I cannot even begin to imagine the effects of losing a loved one suddenly. Knowing myself, and knowing that trials are individual according to what we can handle, a sudden loss would have sent me completely over the edge.

Now the "Sunday School answers" come into play. While it seems completely unfair to all left behind, I just have to believe it is utterly wonderful to finally be finished with an earthly journey. I'm sure they miss us. I'm sure they want to be with us. I'm sure there's pain at being separated. But we will be together again. And frankly, my mama is in a better position to help me now than she ever could before. Oh, and {from my human perspective} the best part? Mama is free of her broken, pain-filled human body for good. When body and spirit are finally reunited, each will be perfectly perfect. Amazing.

Oh, and Mom? just so you know: I MISS YOU MUCHLY... and there are so many little things I miss: (to name just a few) watching Hallmark movies and JAG reruns. Orange sherbet. Even stepping on stupid little beads. :)

p.s. If you haven't read it yet, The Message by Lance Richardson is a must read.

{painful} Moments

It really is funny how life works out. You hear that all the time and it's so true. If someone had told me a year ago that this is where my life would be I think I would have ran screaming in the other direction. Everyone has moments where they wonder, "What was God thinking when He thought I could handle this?" That moment has pretty much been my life for the last ten months. That's not to say there haven't been numerous blessings and a lot of good moments; there have been many.

Life really can change in less than two weeks. My birthday was a perfect day. Move ahead thirteen days and we come to the first most horrible moment I have experienced thus far. The moment I realized that "the poor soul being life-flighted" was actually my mother.

Five days earlier - July 21, 2011 my dear mama started feeling "weird" and for five days I tried to convince her to go to the doctor. Just to be clear - my mother is a stubborn woman. She wouldn't go. I know she was scared and I know I was scared, but she wouldn't go. Finally, on July 26th I woke up, took one look at her and called my aunt. Then I called 911.

It was supposed to be pneumonia.

By the time my aunt and I got the hospital (no riding in the ambulance allowed) there was a helicopter in front and the ladies at the desk in the ER weren't sure how to "handle" us. At that moment, I finally realized what the helicopter meant and then? The doctor wouldn't promise me that she'd be fine.

The second most horrible moment of my life? August 7th - The one where pneumonia becomes stage IV ovarian cancer.

The third? 3:32AM, December 9, 2011 - The moment I realize she's gone.

Now here I am, five months later. And 1,300 miles from home. And still I wonder, "What was He thinking?" And every day I'm trying to move one step closer to what my life is supposed to be... I still have no idea what that is. BUT, I have hope.

Hold onto hope

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A helper in the meadow by the river

That's how my dad summed up my 9th-grade assignment to define my whole name: a helper in the meadow by the river. These days it feels more like I'm the one needing help than the one giving it, but I'm trying to start over, I'm trying to create a hopeful, hope-filled life for myself.