I've been so angry at dad today. Today is the first day I've felt like I've really suffered with this. On one hand it feels childish and stupid and on the other I keep hearing in my head "you need to feel your emotions, not stuff them." So I'm angry. Is it possible to be angry and still feel so grateful for all the tender mercies, etc.? I think with grief, anything's possible.
I'm angry that he didn't keep his promise. Even though that promise was an impossible promise and not within his power to keep. After mom died he promised me he wasn't going anywhere. And logically I know he didn't CHOOSE to go anywhere. I'm angry that I have to go through this again, especially so close together. When I let my emotions get the best of me, there are times that I'm still angry at mom too.
But there are so many positives too. There's the promises in the priesthood blessing I received. Mom and dad have the chance to work out their ridiculous crap (if you guys are reading this... it was ridiculous crap). Heavenly Father obviously needs them for something. I have witnessed so many tender mercies. All those are positives.
When mom passed away I remember wishing that I had siblings that grieved (more or less) the same I did. That I wasn't alone in what I felt. That someone who had a similar relationship with her grieved for her too. But, although many people grieved her, no one grieved her like I did. Although I technically have siblings this time around, we aren't close (in relationship or locale), so once again I find myself grieving alone. And it's awful.
I wouldn't wish this particular trial on anyone. Even my worst enemy. Losing a parent is gut-wrenching in a way I can't describe, even when you know it's right. Even when you have indications beforehand. Even when you know that you'll see them again. Even when tender mercies are all around you.
People have told me lately how strong they think I am. While I appreciate the sentiment and what I think it means they think of me, they're wrong. So wrong. It's not strength. Not really. It's just being faced with a trial and having no other way through it. Until you break down and have to do some cathartic writing.