{"she became herself with tears" by caitlin connolly}
I listen to KLOVE every day in my car and quite a few of the songs have made it to my personal playlist over the last year or so.
Lately, three songs in particular have spoken to my heart. Even the titles are indicative of where my head space has been the last several months...
"God Help Me" by Plumb.
"Even If" by MercyMe.
"Fear Is a Liar" by Zach Williams.
Each in their own way is about submitting and trusting God. A few months ago I realized that I'm not particularly good at submitting. Submitting and dealing with anxiety can kind of seem to be a cross purposes... how do you submit when fear is ruling? It can be so hard. The interesting thing about this is that my prayers increase exponentially during periods of high anxiety. That's good. And the merciful and miraculous thing is how much my Father in Heaven blesses me in these anxious periods. The one thing that anxiety has helped me to cultivate is a grateful heart. Sometimes I think that's my saving grace -- the awareness and appreciation I have for His intervention when I'm desperately suffering inside my own head.
The last few days He has given me little ways to serve others and it has been such a blessing to ME.
It's a constant battle. Last night and this morning I really stumbled. And I felt horrible. But you know what? In the midst of self-recrimination this morning I got a text from my aunt about a painting she thought I'd love. She was right. And I bought it. Which is so not like me. I agonize over every purchase that I don't deem "necessary."
There is so much I want for me life. Some of it temporal, some of it eternal. For whatever reason, the timing isn't right yet. BUT, I have so much hope. And that hope saves me. Even when I stumble. It's going to be OK. I'm not sure how or when. but those things I most hope for will be there when I need them most.