missing the parents playlist

These days (as in, the last 4 months...), it's difficult for me to miss one parent without missing the other. So even though it's Father's Day, I find myself missing them both very much... and even Pepper. I don't think many people think about what it's like. For the most part, I've been okay these last months, but there is always this ache deep in my heart that just doesn't leave. It set up residence over 3 years ago and hasn't left.

While I am very comforted by the knowledge the gospel brings, and even by the idea of my parents watching over me together, none of that replaces having them here with me - even when they hated each other. Hindsight says I'd take that over having them both gone even as stressful as it was. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade anything that has happened in the intervening years. I guess that's the tender mercy of it all.

The four of us (me, dad, mom and pepper) were a unit for a long time. Things changed a little bit (understatement of the century) after the divorce, but there was always this unit and now I'm extremely jealous that they are all together again (yes, I believe that Pepper is there too).

I miss talking to Daddy on the phone every day. That was a huge part of my life for the better part of 9 years. I remember when I moved with him and Marcie to Texas that I missed those daily phone conversations even though I saw him every day. How silly is that? When I told him that, he called me on his way to an appointment the next day. And when I decided to move back home, I was so happy to get that back. It was so fun to talk to him every day. He always made me laugh. And we didn't have to talk about anything important either.

And even all these years later I miss movie marathons with Mom. We'd go to the library or redbox and pick up a pile of movies and just sit and watch them on the bed all night. Watching movies by myself just isn't the same. :)

Pepper. Her quiet, comforting presence was the best. The way she'd lay pressed right up against me and whimper in her sleep or the way she'd softly paw my face in the morning when she needed to go out.

I love you guys!

1. The Wind Beneath My Wings

2. Fire and Rain

3. Who'll Stop the Rain?

4. I'm in a Hurry

5. Brave

6. Happy

7. I Hope You Dance

8. Forever Young

(yes, some of these are cheesy... especially #1...)

Happy father's day...

to this weirdo...

I love you, my "handsomer."

P.S. This is the card I'd buy you if I could... like it? ;)

Elder Burton

{via Pinterest}

I've had two experiences in the last few days, courtesy of Elder Burton, that have been absolute tender mercies / miracles.

The first: a visit from an Auntie when it was desperately needed to 1) boost my spirits and to 2) let me know that my Father in Heaven and my parents are aware of me. I had called her in tears a couple hours before and thanks to something Rhett had written in an email, she felt prompted to come see me at work.

The second: after recounting the profound effect the above experience had on me to Elder Burton and thanking him for his part in it, I received a reminder of something that I think has kept me alive the last few years: see the tender mercy in everything. He asked me how I could so easily see the tender mercy in everything and until I read that, I hadn't really considered that I did. But the idea that I do was yet another boon to my weary spirit.

missing...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

// e.e. cummings

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