playlist

I read somewhere once (sounds reliable, huh?) that if you look at someone's playlist you can tell a lot about what's going on in their life at that moment. I think that's so true, because I know my affinity for certain songs changes as circumstances change. 

On my playlist now... a little nostalgia, a little empowerment, a little melancholia and a little hope. No, I'm not going to tell you what I'm listening to now because I'm not that brave. I'm not brave enough for a lot of things right now. Right now I feel a little "locked in" by my own demons and others' perceptions (that's no one's fault; I haven't stood up for myself enough to change them). 

Today I had a conversation with someone about my trip to London and how amazing it was. It really was amazing. Despite having to carry my demons with me, I didn't feel like I was locked in on that trip. I wish I could've brought that home with me. I am so grateful to be home, so very very grateful, but I have no idea how to not revert back to my "pre-London" self.

I felt spiritually stronger in London, even though I only got to attend sacrament once and I was surrounded by people not of my faith 24/7 in environments not necessarily conducive to the spirit. I know that part of this was due to my utter reliance on Heavenly Father to get through the simplest things and to avoid panic attacks. I couldn't afford to be complacent in any way. It's definitely easier to become complacent at home, but I've also had some incredible instances where the spirit was undeniable (walking into the chapel for the temple dedication I was immediately emotional because it just felt so right... and hearing sweet little Andi's blessing almost made me burst into tears). But I come home and there are the demons again. It's awful. 

Three years ago. Two years ago. One year ago. Six months ago I couldn't have even fathomed the things that have happened in my life. Sometimes I can't even bear to think about it because it just feels too great (in a great way). But at the same time I don't feel like I have enough strength to cross that final gap that exists between now and who I want to be. Before I left for England sweet, awesome Rhett gave me a blessing where I was told that this trip was necessary for me to become the person Heavenly Father needed me to be. I believe that. I just don't know what to do now.

I came across this quote on a website I like to "window shop" (because I really can't afford anything there, but it just feels like "me"):

"Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better." ~ MAYA ANGELOU

When I started going to counseling one of the first things Clara told me is that I wasn't "responsible" for any choices I had made because of anxiety - that I shouldn't feel guilty about anything because I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with. But she also told me that I already had a good "toolbox" and was handling my anxiety really well. Compared to some of the scenarios I've read, I know that's true but it certainly doesn't feel like it. And now, in the midst of panic attacks I wonder, "how responsible am I for whatever choice I make to alleviate this?" 

On a jet plane

Right now I'm on the plane home, currently somewhere over eastern Canada. At Heathrow I had the thought enter my mind that while I was so incredibly glad for the experiences of the last month, I am so happy to be returning to my country, my home and all that's familiar.

Yesterday was an interesting day. For the first time I felt a little pain over leaving something that had become somewhat familiar. But then, I had a series of fiascos involving the transport system and the shower in my dorm room... ;) Seriously though, I did feel a little sad. This is the first (and likely only) time I have had face-to-face contact with professors during my LIS studies. I had thought that I didn't miss that, that the online program was fine, and it is, but it was also nice to feel like a "real" student for awhile and benefit from their knowledge and feedback in real time and to see them every day. 

My spirit still hasn't processed that I've actually had the opportunity to see and experience things I've dreamed and wished for for what seems like forever. It really still feels completely and utterly surreal. I've been to Stonehenge. I've been to Westminster. I've walked along the Thames and ridden a river taxi. I saw a first edition of a Jane Austen novel and searched for the Loch Ness monster. It's completely crazy that I've done those things and so much more! And when I step of this plane I'll be back in the states. And when I go to bed tonight (which, unfortunately seems like forever away), I will be home and back to my real, normal life. 

London, it's been great. Thanks for all the memories and the growth. I'll be back someday. ;)

at least seven reasons to come back

Things I loved...

- the weather (for the most part)

- the food (mostly), especially sandwiches

- all the places we visited

- movies at the BFI

- quaint villages

- balsamic vinegar & sea salt crisps

- the cool shops (joules, oliver bonas, a cool paper store in waterloo I can't remember the name of)

- the vocab

- the architecture!

- doing something brave

Things I didn't like...

- the pace (everyone moves so fast!)

- £1 coins (why don't they have bills/notes?!)

- the tube, mainly the escalators down (the bus was okay though)

- the sidewalks

- remembering to ask for "still" water

I have loved my time in London. Most of my "gripes" are related to accessibility. Coming from the US, I didn't even think about my disability because it's hardly ever an issue at home. I never realized how much the ADA impacts my life even though I'm not an active beneficiary of it (if that makes sense?). Elevators and handrails are hard to come by in the UK and sidewalks can be downright dangerous (they aren't usually concrete, rather they are made of cobblestones or pavers). As much as I love this place, I've never felt more disabled in my life. BUT, I survived and so want to come back! :-)

Places I loved...

Edinburgh... so much! And every place visited in Scotland

Bath (need to explore some more, definitely!)

Hyde Park Chapel

Walking along the Thames

British Library and seeing a first edition of Persuasion

Stonehenge

Things to come back for...

Jane Austen festival

Buckingham Palace

Wales

More of Scotland

Eurostar

Portobello market

Peak District

(I want this card from oliver bonas!)

Hyde Park Chapel

HYDE PARK CHAPEL was one of the most anticipated stops on this trip for me and I'm so glad that I was able to see it today. The chapel has quite an interesting layout and history. The chapel houses a visitor center, stake offices, mission offices for the England London Mission and of course, the standard meetinghouse rooms, all in the space of a townhouse typical for the area. The chapel is located on Exhibition Road, just down the street from the Victoria & Albert Museum and across from the Science Museum. 

The chapel resides in the space of a former townhouse that was bombed in WWII. In the 1950s President McKay assigned someone (darn, I can't remember his name now) to find a spot in central London ideal for a chapel. The man came across this spot, but didn't think it suitable. However, President McKay thought it perfect and construction began. These days, the interior has been remodeled and very much resembles any Mormon meetinghouse and visitor center for the most part. 

Being the first Sunday of the month, today was testimony meeting. I realized as an American got up to bear his testimony that I've gotten used to hearing accents, whether they be English, Irish or Scottish (haven't heard any Welsh yet, I don't think). A lady from Rome relocating to London shared this scripture with her testimony: 

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." 

Doctrine & Covenants 123:17

Kensington Gardens & Palace

After the class visit to the British Library and an adventure on the Tube, we were free for the rest of the afternoon. I decided to join a few of my classmates for lunch and a walk around Kensington Gardens before touring Kensington Palace, the official residence of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry. 

(once again, I was unable to take a good photo of the outside, so this one is from here: 

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kensington_Palace)

First, I have to say it was HOT in there. Apparently, Thursday was the hottest day of the year so far and after walking in the sun for awhile, touring a palace sans AC was a little uncomfortable. I hope the royal apartments have AC, but most places around London don't because the weather is so moderate. Despite the stuffiness and the darkness (to help with temperature and preservation concerns, I assume?), I enjoyed touring the various rooms and exhibits. I probably enjoyed the exhibits dedicated to Queen Victoria and Albert the most as I know more about that history than others. 

In general, when touring the various palaces, estates and old buildings we've seen, I've appreciated that while there are a lot of stairs, they aren't steep. I had a little fear before coming to England that the stairs would all be like in Nauvoo (for example) and so far they're not. Here's to hoping it stays that way! 

After our tour of the palace and a visit to the gift shop, we once again set out to find the Peter Pan statue that is somewhere in the gardens. After consulting the posted maps and wandering for a bit, we found it (much to my classmate's delight!). It was at about this time I realized I was relatively close to the Hyde Park Chapel, but I was too hot and too tired to try and find it, so that's still on my to-do list. 

days 1 and 2

My second day in London is coming to a close and there is so much on my mind. Anxiety-wise, last night was a little tough, but today has been a little better. Yesterday afternoon we had a neighborhood tour as an LIS class and a little dinner thing with the whole program afterwards. After that I went with some of the other LIS students to get cash out of the ATM and to the local supermarket. So far I haven't seen any grocery stores like we know them in the U.S. After that we just walked around for a while before making it back to the dorm. The others decided to go to a pub for drinks, but since that's not my thing... ;) I took a shower in the tiniest bathroom ever (but at least it's mine!) and tried to go to bed... took forever to fall asleep. 

Today... two mandatory meetings in the morning and then I went with one of the other LIS students to get an Oyster Card at Waterloo Station (the closest Tube to the dorm), a pharmacy in the station called "Boots," and across the Waterloo Bridge and down The Strand (the name of the road) to buy a cheap-o phone with a UK number. On the way there we got caught in the rain, which quickly turned into a downpour (for about 20 minutes) before the sun decided to come out again... they weren't kidding about the crazy weather! I came back to my room and dried out before deciding to go on a mini walk around the neighborhood in the drizzle. Then I sat in the courtyard for awhile and just downloaded some offline maps of England to help me get around London. The iPhone is pretty handy even in airplane mode with all the data and cellular turned off. ;)

Astonishment

The other day I had one of those moments where I was just astounded at everything that was happening in my life. I'm going to London in 5 days. My job. My car. Counseling. Tizzie. I feel so very blessed and a little frazzled. Ha. Let the London adventure begin! :)

thirteen

I just saw this iPad commercial {cheesy alert} about a deaf woman who travels the world and it seriously made me tear up! In 13 days I'll be on a plane bound for London. I'll admit there has been some apprehension mixed with the excitement and some/most of it stems from being "disabled" or "handicapped" or "different" - however you want to label it - but as I watched that commercial, I just had this feeling that it is absolutely the most right thing for me to do right now (well, in 13 days). It's not just about seeing London or crossing something off my bucket list, it's more about being brave and not hiding anymore.

The mama has been on my mind a lot since starting my new job. Every time a "milestone" happens I find myself a little sad because it's so bittersweet - all these incredible things happen or will happen or might happen - and she won't be here to celebrate with me in a tangible way. Even going on this trip is one of those - I'd love it if she were here to help me prepare and do last minute things and take me to the airport, but she's not. And that's really OK because I know she's where she needs to be.

{found here via Pinterest}

good things {nine}

- being introduced to this song by one of my favorite people... for some reason it reminds me of mom (don't ask me why, I have no idea)

- much needed comic relief (thanks Mike M!)

- getting my passport in the mail

- interviewing for a promotion

- these verses

- planning a trip

- shopping for said trip

- hopes and dreams

speaking of planning a trip...

{Wales, via}

far, so far

{found on Pinterest, no original source}

Yesterday was a day of growth, happiness and reflection. The reflection part was probably my most favorite because it made all the others more worth it. When I got home from my interview and counseling appointment yesterday afternoon I found out that the mama's cremated remains had been delivered from the body donor program. After the tears, came the reflection. Heavenly Father has blessed me with so much in the last 2 and 1/2 years. I had to lose something temporarily, but he has blessed me with so much since.

Yesterday was so empowering. I don't know if I'll get the job. But I'm proud of it regardless. I applied. I made it on the shortlist. And the interview went well. I'm happy with that. I'll just be ecstatic if I get the job. 

And England. Oh England. I can't believe I'm actually doing that. It's by far the bravest thing I've chosen to do. Don't get me wrong, it's been a dream for a long time, but there's a difference between the things you dream of doing and the things you actually do. Even though I have a little anxiety over it, I am so excited I can't stand it. This is something the real Lexie wants.

London calling, Step 8.5

It's official. My summer aid arrived this morning. The fees are paid. {happy dance}

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

AND, I just got a notice that they will be ticketing (i.e. buying the plane ticket) on Monday. I can't stand it.

{Heathrow airport via}

So, step 8.5 involves--

passport actually arriving

earning spending money (did I mention I got a paid digital internship this morning too?!)

figuring out what to pack

and waiting patiently... only 49 more days!

to sew

I want to learn how to sew... aside from my "Places : UK" board, my DIY style ideas board is my favorite, but I have yet to make anything on there.

I think part of the reason I like looking for DIY style projects is that I'm trying to figure out exactly what my style is and being "vertically challenged" (haha) makes finding clothes off the rack I actually like very difficult.

To be honest, I will always be a simple girl - I don't like drawing attention to myself and comfort is super important to me, but is it impossible to look cute while achieving those goals? Yet another reason I want to learn how to sew.

Two of my favorites right now are labeled as good beginner projects, but they're both knit, which I've heard is difficult to work with, especially for beginner sewers.

This first one is from the blog Four Square Walls. She took a basic t-shirt pattern and lengthened it into a dress. My overly observant brain really appreciates that the stripes are all aligned. At church a couple of weeks ago I was noticing all these girls in striped skirts and dresses and none of the stripes aligned at the sides... drove me absolutely crazy. ;)

The second one, a tutorial by iCandy Handmade, is also stripes... in a maxi skirt. I know, you're thinking, she liked the first one because the stripes matched up??? BUT, I like this one because the stripes are intentionally off-kilter.

Why do I like these? Part of the reason is that they're comfortable. Part of the reason is that they would make great travel pieces (hello London!) - a lot of the museums/churches require that you wear skirts/dresses when you visit. And, plus it will be summer and I'd be spending a LOT of time on buses and trains. AND, they're work-appropriate for the spring/summer (no shorts allowed).

London calling...

Remember this post? Well...

step 1: request time off and have it granted

step 2: start the application process

step 3: get paperwork signed from home institution allowing me to study elsewhere

step 4: finish application

step 5: pay deposit (ahh!)

step 6: renew passport after acceptance

step 7: apply for summer aid

step 8: get summer aid

step 9: GO!

(obviously saving $$$ is an ongoing step...)

All of this hopefully leads to a 4-week LIS study abroad program in the U.K. this summer! Steps 1 and 2 are done and hopefully step 3 will be started tomorrow. London has been on the top of my bucket list for YEARS. This would be a dream come true. The program cost is only a few hundred more than my standard tuition in my LIS program for the same amount of credits AND 4 weeks in England (3 in London itself). Also includes: Edinburgh, Bath, Stonehenge, Stratford-upon-Avon, Oxford plus 4 days wherever I want in Europe.

{Wheal Coates / Cornwall, via} | {Stonehenge, via} | {Warwick Castle, via}

{Bath, via} | {Edinburgh Castle, via}

all images found on Pinterest

I see London {maybe, perhaps, I hope}

{the British Library, via}

Getting ready for grad school has been a little stressful. Most times I can't really believe I'm doing it . . . it still seems like something that's a dream for the future, but in a few short weeks I'll officially be a grad student. Wow.


When I was at BYU-I, I spent a lot of time planning for future semesters - looking at the requirements and figuring out how to meet them and take the classes I wanted when I wanted. For the most part it worked out really well. I was always able to get into the classes I wanted and they were mostly as great as I'd thought they'd be (there was that one exception involving a burning textbook in a Weber grill at the end of the semester, but we won't get into that right now). I have to admit, one of the funnest (yes, I said funnest and it didn't even correct me) parts of this new adventure of mine has been picking out my classes and making a plan. I didn't have to do much for the first semester - everyone takes the same classes the first semester - but considering different plans of study (what type of librarian I want to be) has been really interesting.

In all this planning, I've been doing a lot of research about different career paths, scholarships, etc. I've also come across some blogs about library school and what paths others are choosing and why that I really like. It was one such blog that inspired this post . . . and the fact that sometimes I just need to get everything in my head out once in awhile.

I've had three big dreams in my life:
1. go to graduate school
2. ride on a train (which, despite my careful planning, still hasn't happened)
3. travel, specifically to London

Now, about this blog that inspired this post . . . the newest post was about study abroad programs for graduate students, specifically LIS {library and information science/studies} students. And two of the programs are in London. Both programs are summer sessions - one for two weeks, one for a month offering three and six credits respectively. My first thought was "there is absolutely no way I'd be able to afford it . . .", but of course, I had to research it. And, guess what? If I can afford a summer semester of grad school, I can afford the study abroad program - actually, the study abroad program works out to a better deal than just taking regular classes over the summer and it's in LONDON. I wanna do it!

Of course, I can't just sign up. I have to see how the first year of graduate school goes, talk with an adviser, figure out finances, pray (of course), find a job, and then MAYBE it could be a reality. But, the possibility of birthday #29 in London just sets my heart all aflutter.