I met with my wonderful bishop on Sunday and since then I've been praying to have the proper perspective on certain things because I just feel like maybe I've been looking at things wrong. The reason I met with the bishop has nothing really to do with this post, but it does have to do with perspective, so here goes...

A few weeks ago I wrote about how Rhett had asked me how I saw the tender mercy in everything and I have to say that his question has been a great blessing in my life because I can't forget it - I keep looking for tender mercies in everything and really, that's an awesome way to go about the day. :) 

When mom was diagnosed with cancer four years ago and I realized that it meant she wouldn't be here anymore, that there was a tangible expiration date to our earthly time together I was so scared. I can still remember exactly what it felt like with the thoracic surgeon came out and said that they had found "suspicious cells" in her lungs and that it looked like she had an abdominal mass, but that wasn't his "area of expertise" so he'd done a biopsy. It was the most suffocating, crushing, unable-to-breathe pain I'd ever felt. The worst panic attack I've ever had. (Also, the first one.) BUT, it didn't take long for me to start seeing the tender mercies that were so prevalent in everything. And in the years since, I can look back and see things that happened that serve as tender mercies to me now.

And when I struggled to keep breathing (quite literally) in the year after she died, I also witnessed so many tender mercies. However, it wasn't until I moved back and things really started to happen in my life that I realized that I could see them everywhere. And having dad pass away has just increased that evidence exponentially. Tender mercies aren't just coincidences. They are evidence that Heavenly Father knows us as individuals and blesses us as individuals. To an outsider these random instances of good fortune or happiness or friendship might mean nothing, and that's okay because to the person who sees/hears/benefits from these "random instances," they are miracles!

You should read this... even if it's not new to you, read it. 

on the first day of spring : hope

{the pin didn't link back to the original source, darn it}

I discovered a blog recently while glancing through The Power of Everyday Missionaries. It's called A Blog About Love. It's the greatest thing. Anyways, since discovering this blog, I've slowly been making my way through Mara and Danny's old posts. Today, I came across a post about the color yellow and the accompanying Pinterest board dedicated to yellow and I was so inspired... however, I'm not a huge fan of yellow. I am however, quite a fan of teal - it reminds me of the mama (her favorite color) and blues are known to be "serene." Ironically, teal is also the color for ovarian cancer awareness.

So, I decided to do a Pinterest search for "teal." Found way too many great images, but this one above was my favorite. I have found so many great quotes and "word images" on Pinterest. Some are taken with a grain of salt as to authenticity, but whether or not they can be attributed to someone famous or not, many of them have either brought me hope or made me laugh. This is one of them.

Hope is the greatest concept. A Google search for the definition of hope gave me this--

"A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

Definition #2: "a feeling of trust."

I especially like definition #2. I've been trying so hard to trust -- not only Heavenly Father, but myself.

favorite scripture

One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 88:63-64, which is:

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock; and it shall be opened unto you. Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you...

I've always really liked the "ask and knock" scriptures. I'm always reminded of the painting where the Savior is knocking on the door waiting for someone to answer it... and there's no handle on the outside, but the reason I like this scripture is because of the last part of verse 64: "that is expedient for you." I didn't understand until about 15 months ago what this really meant. I always thought that if it something was a righteous desire and if I had enough faith that Heavenly Father would bless me with it -- and that's still true, but sometimes I think that we don't exactly know what we're praying for until we think that Heavenly Father hasn't answered our prayers.

See, about two years ago the mama and I started praying for her health. I firmly believed that Heavenly Father could bless her to have better quality of life and the health care she needed to feel better and that it was a righteous desire to want those things for her... not that she'd be cured exactly, but that she wouldn't keep deteriorating, that the doctors would know the right treatments and that she'd be able to enjoy life again. 

Not even a month later she was in the hospital and a couple weeks after that she was diagnosed with cancer and then came hospice. I really wondered why this had happened. What about my prayer? What about her prayers? Hadn't she suffered enough? I was really confused. One day about three months after she passed it hit me that my prayer had been answered -- that what I had prayed so earnestly for had come to pass, just not in the way that I had intended. It was a far better way. Heavenly Father always knows the best way to answer our prayers -- the most expedient way. 

Mom did more than get better -- she became free. She does enjoy life now. And while I would never, ever say that my life is better with her gone because that's just impossible, great blessings have come into my life in the last 18 months, some of which would not have been possible had Mom's health continued on the path it was on. He couldn't make her better; that wasn't the plan, BUT he could set her free and that's miraculous.

condo

This afternoon I found myself thinking about the condo. The condo really wasn't a place of many good memories. In fact, I pretty much hated it when we moved in. Everything was in turmoil. I loved the townhouse we'd lived in and the ward.

Despite all its shortcomings and unpleasant memories and the circumstances under which we moved out of it, when I thought of the condo this afternoon, I had a really warm feeling. Especially right before  her diagnosis (if only we'd known what was coming!), we would spend the evenings lying on her bed watching movies from the library. It was cozy.

Until recently, I've had a lot of time on my hands. A lot of potential to miss Mom more than I'd think was possible. Even with the increased demands on my time (thanks to graduate school and resulting lack of time to do nothing), I find myself missing her more lately. I think part of it is that I don't get to share the happenings of my day with her anymore. Another is probably that she was always really supportive of all my school stuff and I miss being able to  share the good moments of that with her.

Just a few thoughts.

take early action & live

This post was originally going to be about my adventures as a newly-minted grad student, but something has been on my mind the past few days and I decided I wanted to share this instead.

September is NATIONAL OVARIAN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

I've never been a crusader for anything. I'm still not, but obviously this is something that's impacted my life a lot recently. I always knew that the survivability rate for ovarian cancer was WAY low just from things I've read, but since I'd never known anyone who had had ovarian cancer, I didn't think about it much. I think about it now.

Since the mama passed away I've seen ONE commercial for ovarian cancer awareness on TV. Granted, I don't watch a ton of TV and what I do watch is mostly on DVR . . . but, I've seen countless commercials, internet ads, products all promoting breast cancer awareness. It makes me angry.

Now, there's nothing wrong with promoting breast cancer awareness. It too is a horrible disease. Too many people lose their loved ones. However, statistically speaking, ovarian cancer has a much higher fatality rate because there is no early detection screening like there is for breast cancer. Too often the symptoms for ovarian cancer are diagnosed as something else until it's too late. Mama was a victim of this and while I wouldn't change anything because it was a blessing for her to be free of pain for so many reasons, I cannot even begin to express how much I miss and want my dear mama back.

Just like pink is used to promote breast cancer awareness, the color teal represents ovarian cancer awareness. TEAL is also an acronym: Take Early Action & Live. I think the color is fitting. It was one of Mom's favorite colors.

http://www.whyteal.org/#