thankful...

What am I thankful for this year?

... a Father in Heaven who puts people in my life who ease the sting of loss.

... a Father in Heaven who cares about every little thing that's important to me, no matter how "insignificant."

... being a part of a forever family.

... knowing that when I need them the most, mom and dad are still there. And they still love me.

... finding joy in simple things.

... and too many other blessings to even count.

{image via designlovescompany.com}

home sweet home & "cowboys in overalls..."

- the garage. It's still weird I have one, but I LOVE it. The first night I came home late from work and saw how full the parking lot was, I started to panic... and then I remembered I didn't have to worry about it. It was awesome.

- the kitchen. For being a rental, it's pretty close to my dream kitchen. White cabinets. Deep sink. Walk-in pantry. Quiet appliances. Did I mention that the appliances are quiet? In the old place, every time the dishwasher or washer or a/c was on it sounded like a jet engine. Now I have to stand next to the washer and dishwasher to make sure they're running.

- the setup. It feels so much more like a home. I've missed that.

- the light. I love natural light. And even though we live in an inside unit, there are so many windows and I love it.

- the balcony. One of these days before it snows I'm buying a chair so I can sit out there.

- the proximity. It's pretty much in the same area I lived before, which I love because it means everything's familiar and I'm still close to family.

----

It's been a tough week, but every time I have a tough week I'm amazed at how blessed I still feel. I miss the parents so much and there are SO SO many questions I wish I could ask them. And yet, it comforts me that they are together. It's been long enough that the desire to talk to mama has faded a bit (although given the opportunity...). But daddy has only been gone 6+ months and I still find myself reaching for the phone for our daily call. I'd love to hear him say "Hey Lex!" again. He always acted so happy when I called. And I don't think there was phone call where he didn't make me laugh hysterically.

I remind myself constantly that they are in a better position to help me now than they ever were. And I need that. SO MUCH. However, it's still tough to navigate life without them. And there are a lot of times when it doesn't feel fair, even though I know life isn't supposed to be fair -- as dad would say, "fair is a place where cowboys in overalls throw cow chips for distance" -- honestly, I really don't know what that's supposed to mean except "fair" doesn't exist.

"I feel my Savior's love"

When I got in my car at 6:15AM to meet Derek to drive to Lewiston for Tizzie's homecoming thais was the song playing on the radio. It was PERFECT. I struggled not to cry all the way to meet him. I told him multiple times how grateful I was that he offered to go with me, but words are so inadequate. I really have the best family. And if the anguish of the last several years has taught me anything, it's that Heavenly Father loves ME and knows ME and wants what's best for ME -- trials, anxieties and all. Nothing is too big.

I'm not sure why everything has had to happen this way, but I was telling my wonderful Auntie this weekend that if I had to go through all of it to know that He loved me and to learn to recognize the Spirit better, then it was worth it.

The gospel is amazing.

(this was the version playing on the radio this morning.)

Dot (or in other words, birthday reflections ;))

Great birthdays are...

- celebrating the whole long weekend

- good food (that's really not that great for you...)

- thoughtful texts and FB messages

- laughter

- being reminded of your good qualities

- long naps and good books

- emails from your favorite missionaries

- the temple

- surprise gifts

- reminders of the parental units

Last night after family dinner during the whole "we love you because..." Auntie dearest was saying that the term "Aunt" didn't really fit our relationship... someone suggested "Maunt" (combo of Mom and Aunt) instead (hahaha). But then today we were talking and she said "How about Auntie M and you can be Dot?" (Like the Wizard of Oz... sort of). Well... Dad used to call me Dot. Not very often and more so when I was a kid, but... and now I'm crying again. ;)

favorite things {right now}

- this talk by Elder McConkie.

- these bowls from anthropologie.

- this shirt from loft.

- this necklace.

- this print.

- this quote:

"Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence." -- Plato

Elder Burton

{via Pinterest}

I've had two experiences in the last few days, courtesy of Elder Burton, that have been absolute tender mercies / miracles.

The first: a visit from an Auntie when it was desperately needed to 1) boost my spirits and to 2) let me know that my Father in Heaven and my parents are aware of me. I had called her in tears a couple hours before and thanks to something Rhett had written in an email, she felt prompted to come see me at work.

The second: after recounting the profound effect the above experience had on me to Elder Burton and thanking him for his part in it, I received a reminder of something that I think has kept me alive the last few years: see the tender mercy in everything. He asked me how I could so easily see the tender mercy in everything and until I read that, I hadn't really considered that I did. But the idea that I do was yet another boon to my weary spirit.

how I feel about my new job

{found here}

My initial reaction was overwhelming joy and disbelief. I still can't believe it, which is kind of a problem. Now that it's had a few days to settle in, I still feel the happiness and joy, but I'm also confronting the fact that I never really believed I would get it. I worried about telling people (family too) that I'd applied for it because I didn't want to tell them afterwards that I didn't get it. I thought there was no way that my manager would go for it with me leaving for a month. I considered applying "in secret" - not telling anyone beforehand.

This is something I've been working on in counseling - self talk and overcoming "anticipatory" anxiety. I've never struggled with gospel standards or testimony or other related issues, but the adversary really gets me in the anxiety department. Close family and friends told me when they found out I'd gotten the job that they "weren't surprised" or they "knew I would." I wish I knew how to have the same type of faith in myself.

I am so grateful for a merciful Heavenly Father who understands my weaknesses and helps me overcome them. Despite my anxieties, he helped me apply for this job and succeed in the interview (regardless of how it could have turned out, I would have been happy with that interview) and he obviously knows I can do it, right?!

When I think of all the possibilities this opens up - career, financial, personal - I'm so excited!

good things {nine}

- being introduced to this song by one of my favorite people... for some reason it reminds me of mom (don't ask me why, I have no idea)

- much needed comic relief (thanks Mike M!)

- getting my passport in the mail

- interviewing for a promotion

- these verses

- planning a trip

- shopping for said trip

- hopes and dreams

speaking of planning a trip...

{Wales, via}

far, so far

{found on Pinterest, no original source}

Yesterday was a day of growth, happiness and reflection. The reflection part was probably my most favorite because it made all the others more worth it. When I got home from my interview and counseling appointment yesterday afternoon I found out that the mama's cremated remains had been delivered from the body donor program. After the tears, came the reflection. Heavenly Father has blessed me with so much in the last 2 and 1/2 years. I had to lose something temporarily, but he has blessed me with so much since.

Yesterday was so empowering. I don't know if I'll get the job. But I'm proud of it regardless. I applied. I made it on the shortlist. And the interview went well. I'm happy with that. I'll just be ecstatic if I get the job. 

And England. Oh England. I can't believe I'm actually doing that. It's by far the bravest thing I've chosen to do. Don't get me wrong, it's been a dream for a long time, but there's a difference between the things you dream of doing and the things you actually do. Even though I have a little anxiety over it, I am so excited I can't stand it. This is something the real Lexie wants.

Tender mercies

 {via Time Out For Women}

Yesterday I received a letter from Tizzie recounting a tender mercy that she had experienced in the midst of a difficult time with her companion. She then went on to say that she "wanted to tell me something." What followed was such a tender mercy FOR ME that I started crying because I not only felt loved and important to her, but also to my Father in Heaven. He is always aware of us and rooting for us - especially when things are hard or when we stumble. He LOVES us. Enough to send little tender mercies that totally change things or put things in perspective.

{via jimmyandheather.com}

Like a broken vessel

Last night as I said my prayers I had the phrase "like a broken vessel" running through my head. I knew it was a talk by Elder Holland from the October conference, but it was one of those talks that hadn't really stuck with me at the time. When I finished my prayers, I decided to look up the talk and read it as my scripture study for the night (hey, the Ensign is considered a form of scripture, right?!). 

There are so many good parts, but this is my favorite:

"Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

{image via}

blessed, blessed, blessed

I had an experience today. Two experiences actually. The experiences themselves aren't important, but what I realized because of them is so important - I am so, so, so BLESSED. Despite the hardships, trials and pains, I still feel so blessed.

{Deseret Book via Pinterest}

(I love everything about this graphic - the colors, the rain drops, the quote and President Uchtdorf...)

Of course there are things I'd change. Of course there are things I want. But I have so much I could never have imagined having even 18 months ago. And when I look at it like that I cannot help feeling so blessed. Even in the last month conquering a huge fear has brought so much light to my life and led me on a path of healing that I've so needed.

"Finding hope in the future..."

{image via}

"We may feel doubt and despair as we wait in vain for wrongs to be righted, pain to be relieved, and questions to be resolved. Those very winds that buffet us, however, sow seeds of change and growth, and the immense power of the gospel quietly works under the soil of earthly existence, preparing a thousand small seeds of hope and life."

Full article found here: Finding Hope in the Future (April 2014 Ensign)

on the first day of spring : hope

{the pin didn't link back to the original source, darn it}

I discovered a blog recently while glancing through The Power of Everyday Missionaries. It's called A Blog About Love. It's the greatest thing. Anyways, since discovering this blog, I've slowly been making my way through Mara and Danny's old posts. Today, I came across a post about the color yellow and the accompanying Pinterest board dedicated to yellow and I was so inspired... however, I'm not a huge fan of yellow. I am however, quite a fan of teal - it reminds me of the mama (her favorite color) and blues are known to be "serene." Ironically, teal is also the color for ovarian cancer awareness.

So, I decided to do a Pinterest search for "teal." Found way too many great images, but this one above was my favorite. I have found so many great quotes and "word images" on Pinterest. Some are taken with a grain of salt as to authenticity, but whether or not they can be attributed to someone famous or not, many of them have either brought me hope or made me laugh. This is one of them.

Hope is the greatest concept. A Google search for the definition of hope gave me this--

"A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

Definition #2: "a feeling of trust."

I especially like definition #2. I've been trying so hard to trust -- not only Heavenly Father, but myself.

a {good things} post

- getting my car back all shiny and "new"

- the sun shining on the snow

- never-ending Christmas music

- my job and my coworkers

- baking holiday goodies

- family gatherings

- thoughtful texts

- memories

- the end of the semester approaching

- a good night's sleep

- Hallmark holiday movies

- hope

- kind words

peace

"I love that moment when I look back on a challenge in my life and realize I'm now at peace with it."

I just barely saw this quote on Pinterest and realized how true it is. There have been so many times in my life where I've gone through a trial only to realize later that I'm OK with the fact that it happened... maybe not happy about it, but OK. 

Reminds me of this... (is it OK to admit that part of the reason I like this are the colors?)

To the mama

I think of the emails we used to send each other or the notes we'd write late at night for the other to discover in the morning. I think of the extra long voicemails you'd leave that would make me frustrated beyond belief. I think of the cute notes you'd put in my lunches in elementary school and the way you would cut my sandwiches into triangles because I thought it was "cool." But mostly I think of how grateful I am to know where you are and to know I will see you again someday. If someone were to ask me what I miss the most about you I'd have to say your voice. I truly miss talking to you and hearing your voice and your laugh.

I'm sorry that I haven't been doing everything I should lately. I've gotten a little sidetracked and I hate it. I want to be better, but it's so hard to get back on track once I've gotten off.

Sometimes I feel like I can see you in my mind. I don't know if it's wishful thinking or a gift of comfort. It's not like I can see what you are doing, but I can see you are happy and I love that. I had a similar feeling when I heard that Uncle Dan had passed away. I hope you guys have gotten to hang out and maybe you're "showing him the ropes" too. For some reason that idea really comforts me. The human part of me really wishes you were here, but I know you are happier there and doing great things.

Lots of great things have been happening lately. I hope you know that. I'm sure you do because I'm sure that some of them were your "fault" - or that you helped bring them about. I love you and miss you.

lately

Today's big news . . .

I can't drive it yet thanks to a little "miscommunication" with the mobility place, but thanks to the internet and a cousin's offer of assistance, that will soon be resolved. :)

In other news . . . 

Every day we drive by this house that has poppies growing by the fence and I love them . . . well, then my auntie dearest saw some growing on the hill in her backyard and picked one for me. I'm attempting to press it, but in case it doesn't work, I documented it in all it's glory. 

And lately I've enjoyed the view in the afternoons / evenings . . . so peaceful:

I want 2013 to be great

Trying to think of something to write for the new year has been difficult. I want to say that 2012 was a great year and in many ways it was, but it was also a year of a lot of suffering and a lot of grief that I could have done without.

While everyone else was setting off fireworks, blowing horns and watching the ball drop, I sat there trying not to get emotional over the fact that 2013 meant embarking on another year without the mama. For awhile after she died I counted Fridays. After about 11 weeks of Fridays I stopped doing that. I don't know why, maybe it was the end of a grief stage? I just felt like I didn't need to keep track that closely anymore. The point is, maybe by the time 2014 rolls around I won't view the coming of the new year as a marker of how long it's been since I've seen her and all I haven't accomplished since then. 

I guess now it's time to figure out exactly what goals I have for this wonderful new year . . . 

good things {a reminder}

- aunties

- 41 days

- good grades in graduate school

- living with a person who is magic and helps me beat an ear infection without a doctor's visit

- finding an allergy medicine that {sort of} conquers horrible TX allergies

- a sweet angel that lays by me when I'm sad

- peace & quiet, even if that means turning up the stereo because I'm home alone :)

- a final project I'm excited about

- a final paper that will help me heal {long story there}

- memories

- answered prayers

- spaghetti squash {most amazing veggie ever}