brain dump

{to the one person who actually reads this... it might not be worth reading :) }

I get very introspective when I have a lot on my mind. I don't know if this is a new development or something that's happened since Mom passed away or if I've always been this way. Sometimes it seems like I barely remember what I was like before she died. I can't even fathom the person I was in college. And the person that existed two years ago seems like a very distant memory. My hopes and goals haven't changed much, but I have. SO much.

The last several weeks I've been coming to terms with being an introvert. Does that sound weird? I'm finally realizing that it's OK for me to be an introvert. For the longest time I've thought that I had to be outgoing or loud or a social butterfly to be normal or worth something. But Heavenly Father made me this way. I still have to grow and stretch and learn just like anyone else, but I can be who I am at the same time. Introvert doesn't mean antisocial or unfriendly or not fun. I prefer small groups over big crowds; that's OK. I like reading and watching movies; that's OK too.

Driving to work this morning I kept thinking about how I felt like I didn't have the strength to be here anymore. Like my spirit is just worn out. This is so different from not wanting to be here (there have been times I've struggled with that too). Yesterday was a hard day. I started sobbing in Relief Society. Not a good thing when I have to sit in the front facing everyone now. I had to leave in the middle of the lesson because I couldn't get it under control. But someone told me something that was SO insightful. Perhaps the reason I struggle with my emotions on Sundays (more so than other days) is because the Spirit is stronger and I'm not as distracted. I cannot tell you how validated that made me feel.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. As I've realized that I've accomplished several important, vital goals the last several months, I've also realized that I need to set some more and I still have a lot to do. I'm not sure what direction to go and praying has been so hard lately... contrasted with feeling the Spirit so strongly at times.

Have you ever had a "vision" of what you wanted your life to be like... and it felt like it was just around the corner, but you didn't know how to read the map? Yeah... that's where I am. Sometimes it's exciting, sometimes it's terrifying.

I think I have a problem...

I was going through my boards on Pinterest (I know, a very productive Sunday morning activity) and noticed something...

{outfit 1 via     |     outfit 2 via     |     outfit 3 via}

I've pinned three versions of essentially the same outfit in the last two weeks. Hmmm. Maybe this should be the inspiration for my next shopping spree? I obviously love it.

favorite scripture

One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 88:63-64, which is:

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock; and it shall be opened unto you. Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you...

I've always really liked the "ask and knock" scriptures. I'm always reminded of the painting where the Savior is knocking on the door waiting for someone to answer it... and there's no handle on the outside, but the reason I like this scripture is because of the last part of verse 64: "that is expedient for you." I didn't understand until about 15 months ago what this really meant. I always thought that if it something was a righteous desire and if I had enough faith that Heavenly Father would bless me with it -- and that's still true, but sometimes I think that we don't exactly know what we're praying for until we think that Heavenly Father hasn't answered our prayers.

See, about two years ago the mama and I started praying for her health. I firmly believed that Heavenly Father could bless her to have better quality of life and the health care she needed to feel better and that it was a righteous desire to want those things for her... not that she'd be cured exactly, but that she wouldn't keep deteriorating, that the doctors would know the right treatments and that she'd be able to enjoy life again. 

Not even a month later she was in the hospital and a couple weeks after that she was diagnosed with cancer and then came hospice. I really wondered why this had happened. What about my prayer? What about her prayers? Hadn't she suffered enough? I was really confused. One day about three months after she passed it hit me that my prayer had been answered -- that what I had prayed so earnestly for had come to pass, just not in the way that I had intended. It was a far better way. Heavenly Father always knows the best way to answer our prayers -- the most expedient way. 

Mom did more than get better -- she became free. She does enjoy life now. And while I would never, ever say that my life is better with her gone because that's just impossible, great blessings have come into my life in the last 18 months, some of which would not have been possible had Mom's health continued on the path it was on. He couldn't make her better; that wasn't the plan, BUT he could set her free and that's miraculous.

changes . . .

{this post has been a few weeks in the writing...}

I was re-reading the post I did on New Years Day and thinking back to how I felt when I wrote it, and I have to say that I'm proud of myself. In all honesty, I had serious doubts about my ability to conquer everything that needed conquering and I wasn't sure I even wanted to conquer any of it without the mama around, but I've made such significant progress.

A month or so ago a co-worker asked me if I was always so "eternally optimistic." I was truly shocked. Me, optimistic? No way. I pretty much told her that no one else would ever describe me that way, especially not my family. Then, at my birthday dinner last week when we got to the part where everybody goes around telling what they love about you, almost everyone said that they loved how optimistic I am. What the heck? Really?

The world has just shifted on it's axis.

The other day I came across this:

It really struck me. And I started wondering if faith and optimism were the same thing. For me, I think optimism is a more nonspecific form of faith. I didn't always have a clear idea of what was supposed to happen or how to do something, but I knew that Heavenly Father would help me achieve the best outcome. I've been through a lot of "dirt" in my life . . . who hasn't? . . . but, that doesn't mean that life can't still be beautiful. Perhaps it can be even more beautiful because it's more appreciated?

Last Saturday was a moment in my life. A really good moment. A moment I wished at the time that Mom had been there for only to realize later that she was indeed there and indeed aware of me. Last Saturday I met my younger sister and her twin brother for the first time ever. I've only know about them for 8-ish years . . . they've only known about me for a few weeks to a few months. The story behind this is really complicated and private and not really my story to tell, but I feel so blessed to have met them. I don't know what role we will play in each others' lives, but the experience of getting to know them and meet them has been really good for me and I don't think the timing was just chance.