brain dump

{to the one person who actually reads this... it might not be worth reading :) }

I get very introspective when I have a lot on my mind. I don't know if this is a new development or something that's happened since Mom passed away or if I've always been this way. Sometimes it seems like I barely remember what I was like before she died. I can't even fathom the person I was in college. And the person that existed two years ago seems like a very distant memory. My hopes and goals haven't changed much, but I have. SO much.

The last several weeks I've been coming to terms with being an introvert. Does that sound weird? I'm finally realizing that it's OK for me to be an introvert. For the longest time I've thought that I had to be outgoing or loud or a social butterfly to be normal or worth something. But Heavenly Father made me this way. I still have to grow and stretch and learn just like anyone else, but I can be who I am at the same time. Introvert doesn't mean antisocial or unfriendly or not fun. I prefer small groups over big crowds; that's OK. I like reading and watching movies; that's OK too.

Driving to work this morning I kept thinking about how I felt like I didn't have the strength to be here anymore. Like my spirit is just worn out. This is so different from not wanting to be here (there have been times I've struggled with that too). Yesterday was a hard day. I started sobbing in Relief Society. Not a good thing when I have to sit in the front facing everyone now. I had to leave in the middle of the lesson because I couldn't get it under control. But someone told me something that was SO insightful. Perhaps the reason I struggle with my emotions on Sundays (more so than other days) is because the Spirit is stronger and I'm not as distracted. I cannot tell you how validated that made me feel.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. As I've realized that I've accomplished several important, vital goals the last several months, I've also realized that I need to set some more and I still have a lot to do. I'm not sure what direction to go and praying has been so hard lately... contrasted with feeling the Spirit so strongly at times.

Have you ever had a "vision" of what you wanted your life to be like... and it felt like it was just around the corner, but you didn't know how to read the map? Yeah... that's where I am. Sometimes it's exciting, sometimes it's terrifying.