playlist

I read somewhere once (sounds reliable, huh?) that if you look at someone's playlist you can tell a lot about what's going on in their life at that moment. I think that's so true, because I know my affinity for certain songs changes as circumstances change. 

On my playlist now... a little nostalgia, a little empowerment, a little melancholia and a little hope. No, I'm not going to tell you what I'm listening to now because I'm not that brave. I'm not brave enough for a lot of things right now. Right now I feel a little "locked in" by my own demons and others' perceptions (that's no one's fault; I haven't stood up for myself enough to change them). 

Today I had a conversation with someone about my trip to London and how amazing it was. It really was amazing. Despite having to carry my demons with me, I didn't feel like I was locked in on that trip. I wish I could've brought that home with me. I am so grateful to be home, so very very grateful, but I have no idea how to not revert back to my "pre-London" self.

I felt spiritually stronger in London, even though I only got to attend sacrament once and I was surrounded by people not of my faith 24/7 in environments not necessarily conducive to the spirit. I know that part of this was due to my utter reliance on Heavenly Father to get through the simplest things and to avoid panic attacks. I couldn't afford to be complacent in any way. It's definitely easier to become complacent at home, but I've also had some incredible instances where the spirit was undeniable (walking into the chapel for the temple dedication I was immediately emotional because it just felt so right... and hearing sweet little Andi's blessing almost made me burst into tears). But I come home and there are the demons again. It's awful. 

Three years ago. Two years ago. One year ago. Six months ago I couldn't have even fathomed the things that have happened in my life. Sometimes I can't even bear to think about it because it just feels too great (in a great way). But at the same time I don't feel like I have enough strength to cross that final gap that exists between now and who I want to be. Before I left for England sweet, awesome Rhett gave me a blessing where I was told that this trip was necessary for me to become the person Heavenly Father needed me to be. I believe that. I just don't know what to do now.

I came across this quote on a website I like to "window shop" (because I really can't afford anything there, but it just feels like "me"):

"Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better." ~ MAYA ANGELOU

When I started going to counseling one of the first things Clara told me is that I wasn't "responsible" for any choices I had made because of anxiety - that I shouldn't feel guilty about anything because I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with. But she also told me that I already had a good "toolbox" and was handling my anxiety really well. Compared to some of the scenarios I've read, I know that's true but it certainly doesn't feel like it. And now, in the midst of panic attacks I wonder, "how responsible am I for whatever choice I make to alleviate this?"