a year without dad

It's strange losing my parents. When mom died I was so utterly and completely lost and heartbroken. I had to start life over and had no idea where to start. But I keep remembering this talk by President Uchtdorf titled "See the End from the Beginning." Even just having the title go through my mind is comforting and also sometimes a much-needed attitude adjustment. :-)

SO, if I try to see the end from the beginning in relation to my parents, let's start here: that completely lost feeling I had losing my mom led to me living with dad for nearly a year. And, while it was a very tough year, I'm grateful that for that one year I had a dad full-time again, especially now, after surviving a year without him.

If I try to see the end from the beginning, I realize that the priesthood blessing I received the night he died has proven true. I was told in the blessing that dad was in a better position to help me now than he ever had been while alive. And I've felt it. I've seen it. My favorite instance being driving home from Sprouts and realizing how comfortable I felt (not something I feel often with driving) and in that moment KNOWING that dad was sitting in the car with me.

And perhaps the greatest gift of all? All the years of anguish I felt personally leading up to and surrounding my parents' divorce has been healed. I don't know how things are supposed to work out, but I do know that the hurt and animosity that existed between them here can't exist where they are now and I believe that they are working together for my good because they both love ME. And that's the most amazing of all.

This year has been tough. Not in the same way it was with losing mom because dad's death didn't complete uproot my life and force me to start over. BUT, in many ways I felt like I was grieving for mom all over again too. And Pepper. My greatest struggle this last year has been dealing with the unfairness of having my family unit gone and together WITHOUT me. How I have longed to be there with them, especially since I don't have a husband/family of my own to leave behind.

I've missed our daily phone calls and the "hi Lex!" that greeted me every time the phone rang. I've missed the corny jokes and the cooking advice. I've missed how it felt to have his hand hold mine and teasing him about his "curb feelers." I've missed the way I could ask his advice on anything and he knew how to fix it. I miss the excitement he expressed whenever I succeeded at something, even if it wasn't something he cared about. I've missed going on drives to nowhere. And really, I've just missed his bigger than life presence and radio announcer voice.

How grateful I am for a dad that left so many things for me to miss. :-)