Yearning for home

I've been longing to write lately, but my head has felt almost too full to actually get anything out. This morning I was looking for a quote for the sacrament program and I remembered a talk from Elder Holland that I really liked... well, I didn't end up using that one. Instead, I came across Elder Uchtdorf's talk from the same conference (also really good) and I found myself looking at that:

"God calls to you. God knows your every thought, your sorrows, and your greatest hopes. God knows the many times you have sought Him. The many times you have felt limitless joy. The many times you have wept in loneliness. The many times you have felt helpless, confused, or angry. Yet, no matter your history—if you have faltered, failed, feel broken, bitter, betrayed, or beaten—know that you are not alone. God still calls to you."

Life has been tough lately. I'm not sure why... there isn't ONE big thing that happened or even a bunch of hard little things. I've just been anxious. And my soul hurts. And yet, I still feel blessed beyond comprehension.

A couple of months ago it was really starting to feel like the pressure was too much. As I was praying one night I told my Heavenly Father that I really wanted to go to Skye. Long story short, through a series of miracles, I get to go to Skye in September. And the Jane Austen Festival. Two things that have been on my bucket list since my first visit to the UK four years ago. I'm not exactly sure why, but travel is definitely a pressure release for me -- I struggle with anxiety way less when I travel (which sometimes doesn't make sense to me -- shouldn't being in a foreign country be stressful in it's own way?) -- and I feel more like myself. And more like how God sees me. I feel very blessed for the desire that He has given me to see the wonderful world that He has created and that He miraculously provides the means when I need the escape the most.

When things in my head get particularly bad, I often long for "home," to be done with this struggle and to be reunited with my family. I recently went to the temple and did a few names from my dad's family. And I cried a lot. Doing family history for his family has given me a bit of purpose lately. It's interesting to me because I have no biological connection to these people, but I still feel a sense of connection and of joy when I am able to find them and help them do their temple work.

I feel a particular connection to the UK. I feel like I could go back there over and over and never tire of it, particularly Scotland. As I've done more and more of Dad's family names (who are largely from England and Scotland), I've wondered if part of the reason I have traveled is to foster a greater connection with these people. I've been told in blessings before that as I do family history that my ancestors will help bless my life and give me support and I've also been told that traveling is a necessary part of my life experience and something to bring me joy.

On a somewhat related note, I feel closer to "home" when I travel... my family doesn't feel so far away and I feel the Spirit closer at hand. Traveling "forces" me to rely on the Spirit in a different way than at home. It's a feeling that's harder to hold on to once I return to normal life, although I always try my hardest. I think it's at least partly a desire to connect with something familiar in an unfamiliar place. I remember the first time I was in Scotland on study abroad we were at the National Library of Scotland and the director was talking with my class about the different things that they do there and he mentioned that they had just recently completed a collaborative project with the LDS Church to build a new genealogy resource and storage center in Edinburgh. I remember wanting to cry in that moment, 1) because I was longing for something familiar and 2) because I felt a dramatic sense of "connection" in that moment.

Last night as I was locking up for the night and getting ready for bed I realized that I haven't felt any  desire lately to do anything to my house - furniture or otherwise. It feels complete. I do still want to buy a nightstand (purely for functional reasons), but I don't have the desire to fill my home with things or go on some great decorating binge. (This does NOT mean that I don't want to hang up the stack of artwork in my living room, just that I don't need to buy any more. ;)) It was a good feeling to realize that I feel settled and proud of my home.

This has all been a little disjointed and random, but at the end of it all I feel more settled in myself, so mission accomplished, right?