best laid plans

I had plans. And then they got derailed. And in the midst of these plans and subsequent derailment, I got sick. Not major sick. Not life-threatening sick. But annoyingly sick. And anxiety-inducing sick. And that took over nearly every thought process. It still is.

Every year I think I will figure out what my life is supposed to be. "This is the year it will all click." Sometimes things click. And a lot of times good things happen, but I'm still left wondering what my life is supposed to be. I've realized in the five or so months of illness that I truly have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, what I want for my life or even where I want my life to be. I've thought, "do I want to move?" "do I want to travel?" "what do I want to do for a job?" I'm nearly 35 years old and have no answers.

Life went pretty well until 18. Yeah, there were hard things. Lots of moving. Few friends. No true friends. CP issues. Anxiety. Lots of moving. But my family loved each other. I did well in school. Good memories.

And then my family started to fall apart. I went to college, which was great but also showed me I didn't really know myself. And then I graduated and two weeks later my family officially fell apart. Then I couldn't find a job because I was too anxious. Mom got sicker. Mom died. Then I felt like grad school would fix things. I graduated. Dad died. And I'm still in the same job I got in library school. Which is a great job, but not the job I want. Not the job that has meaning and purpose, although I'm so grateful for it in the practical sense.

I want:

To have enough money for my needs & not have to budget so carefully.

To wear clothes that feel 100% comfortable all the time.

To help people.

To do things that matter.

To travel.

To not be afraid.

To not fear being alone.

My health.

In some ways those things seem so simple. But I fear change. I fear what happens if I move forward AND if I stay static. And I also feel bored and restless from being static. Maybe part of the problem is picking a direction, a path.